Tuesday, May 20, 2008

prayer to be defined...

God, You are the definition. Meaning is defined by you. I have no capabilities of creating meaning without you. What am I, if not yours. Nothing. To be defined by you is to be defined in the most intrinsic and extrinsic way. Lord I am nothing without you. It is strange, I am so cold right now because I have focused wholly on my nothingness, the fact that I am not defined by my own sense of being. I have focused little to none on my definition in you. Which is only what you have defined me as. You see God, I have realized that I have little to no power in this world. I cannot affect great change. I cannot save the little girls and boys who are being raped ten to twenty times a day in the brothels around the world. I cannot save my friends from the destructive patterns of this world. I cannot change the fact that You have led me to a woman of great strength and integrity and at the same time shown her a path that does not lead to me. I cannot even change the fact that I will do foolish things. The fact that I cannot do these things has led me to be so cold, so numb, I have been so tired of caring for things I cannot change. Lord I am tired. Lord I am upset that I can't change these things. That I can't save these children, or even pursue a daughter of yours. Lord I am tired.

But I realize that my goals in all this has been to define myself as a man who is doing the things You want him to do. My goal has been wrong, I'm shooting at the wrong target. I am doing the wrong things. My meaning, my definition is not me, it is You. So if You, my God, my Creator, my Father, my Lord, my Friend, the One who Loves me, the One I must love, gives meaning to the hopeless, life the dead, then it is not up to me to disregard that. It matters not that I am a man who lives in a small city in the middle of a wealthy country, I can still love You deeply. I can still love those children deeply. I can still care deeply for the friends I cannot change. I can still care deeply for those closest to me, even while they leave. My love is, once again not mine to define. It is Yours. You define me and my Love. I am sorry I do not see it more clearly. I am sorry I fail so often. I am sorry I look away from You when You want me to love and be loved. Lord be with me as I move toward what you have and will do. Let me be content in Your love only. Give me the strength to be all that I am meant to be, and be the man who will love as You love. I am sorry I am not.

2 comments:

Rog said...

Caleb,

Keep praying and living for God and him alone!

Cabes said...

Thank you man, I am and will.

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